A Million Rosses

sometimes i wonder, do some things happen just because or because they need to happen…??

i was in a position where i could’ve gave it all up just like that, and walked away and not turn back..but i considered the consequences and all the sacrifices i had made to get this far, and i realized that it would all be a sad waste if i did..

if i had known that it would be this terrible and torturous, would i have made the same decision? or would i have taken up the other suggestions?..haha..hmm…

i officially gave up my social life, and sacrificed so much time that i could’ve spend with my family and friends and just for myself that if i sit back and think for a while i really wouldn’t know what would be my back up plan..i cannot possibly see myself doing anything else but this..and i’m so angry!!

i really wish i could make myself a black box and just hide away in it whenever i please..i realize that when i am under pressure i tend to want to lock myself up and be alone, in fear that the people around me will accidentally be my human punching bag, emotional punching bag i mean..*sigh..

i just don’t give a damn anymore..i don’t want to care what he says, i don’t want to care what he thinks, i don’t want to care what he wants, i don’t care!!!

i believe in doing what i want from what i think and how i come about my own solutions..i am not about to do what someone else wants and what someone else thinks is good..it is my work, it is my name and it is my semester to answer to..anyone who thinks otherwise can go shove it up theirs.

i don’t care anymore!!!!!! xp

i think im a very confused person..
n im very lemah..
how do i deal with that yah?..
haish..

if my emotions we’re to be stored in a bottle,
right now it would be almost full..
i need a glass that i can pour it into
before it spills onto the table
then everything would be wet
and everyone would get angry

hahahahahahahaha…..

im so tired..
and im so tired….

double times, one mentally n the other physically

and im so lost….

emotionally

lately i’ve realized that i’m running out of songs to listen to..i’ve completely over played my playlist..i’m finally able to get hold of new songs now that we have internet but sadly i’m staring blankly into space wondering what new songs is there worth the taking..

hmm..anyone able to help me with this?..the only thing i’m searching for lately is flyleaf since i only have one of their songs..and i like it..

since we’re on this topic, there’s a cover of sexyback by a band called poison that i think is quite interesting..they did a good job rocking up the song..haha..sedap..n there’s a cover of umbrella by mandy moore that’s pretty good too..jadi jiwang love song..haha..

yeah, that’s about the only two worth looking for..itu pun both are covers, not really new..i want songs!..boring lah..

any one with suggestions??..please help me out…..
zzzZZZZ

this is an account of my experience about a few hours a go where my big fat mouth and my over excited nature was secara tidak langsung thought to calm down and take a few steps back..

i just had brunch with munif at salam, the mamak stall nearby campus, wait, i’m sorry the only mamak stall in bandar seri iskandar when i decided to buy some rumah sewa supplies at the sundry shop next door.

then after buying what i needed i found that they were selling the m’sian flag that u stick on ur car in conjunction with merdeka tu kan n i wanted one lah.

so i got myself one n stuck it on the car. then we drove off to go pick up stuff at the studio.

i was sooo excited that i finally got myself the flag thing because i usually do it every year n this year dah quite lambat already cause usually i have it on the car within the first week of august lah. so i was like bouncing2 in my seat, very happy lah kan, n i was telling munif that im so happy to be the first person in the batch to have a flag on my car n that im so gonna kecoh2 to everyone n pester them to get one too n how im sure this time the flag wouldnt fly off because i was driving too fast since the jimny is not capable of going pass 100 (or at least i dont dare go past 100 in the jimny lah).

then it happened, i was looking at the flag fluttering from inside the car n just as i looked away to the view in front of me munif was looking2 to the flags direction. then i marah lah because he’s driving n being careless over looking at the flag. then he said "but i cant see it from here"…

so yeah, it flew off..within 60 seconds of me running my mouth..haish..

so the moral of the story is, its true when people say dont be too happy about something n be cautious because u cant be too sure about something..yeay.

Wasabi!!!!
hehe..i’m at a cyber cafe in front of my very own rumah sewa in perak!! hehe..i’m like super hyped about living off campus right now..we had our first home cooked meal yesterday (!!) of sardines and scrambled telur sambal..it was sedap ok, ziela made one of the best rice servings i ever had..hehe..

aish..although so, i’m really having problems letting go of my kitty cat cumi that was born in my hostel room last semester..i’m suppose to send him back to the hostel grounds but i’m really having troubles parting with the little guy so comel lah..i cant take it!

i was worried that i’d be scared to sleep alone in my room at nights cause its like the back room..but alhamdulillah i feel really comfy and not so freaked out in the room..its really nice lah..i’m very greatful and thankful..hehe..

i wonder what’s my brother doing rite now..he should be in some vietnamese city somewhere meneroka-ing..hmm..so jealous..haha..i hope he takes lots of interesting pictures..i hope more that he’s safe! haish..i know its quite safe and all but sometimes being in a foreign land can make people terlebih excited..bahaya..but yeah he’s a big boy, he can take care of himself

yeah, and i’m already missing those beautiful girls back home :(  cannot stop talking about u girls to other people..haha..how annoying is that lah kan to people who tak kenal u guys..hahaha..have to have to come to perak and visit me someday ok!! then i can bring u guys to pangkor! hehe..island adventure..hehehe..think about it ok..

alright lah..this is pretty long already..i chiao sin chiao sin first..
am planning to get streamyx at rumah sewa!! hehe!! excitement man..
well until then then..haha..
miss u people at home!!! and amirah yang sesat still india tu!!! hehehehe..faster come backlah ah moi! XOXOXOXO

i’m going to break this blog into a couple of parts because there’s suddenly so much in my head i want to say..haha..

i’m really glad that my brother’s back n i don’t feel like an only child anymore..haha..it’s so much funner that he’s back to do stuff with again n i don’t have to go n do it alone dah..just the little things like ordering makan or go potong rambut n stuff..i’m just so thankful tehee~

on the other hand, i’m kinda quite sedih that my holidays are coming to an end and those beautiful people are just only travelling back so im not going to really get much time with them i so miss their company..but again, i’m still so thankful that at least farah is around n i do occasionally get to see her! hehe..

haish, i somehow think that it’s a bad thing that i so cannot wait to finish off the year at perak n come home to study..i feel so away, it sucks..i love it so much at home i’m dreading to go back..that cannot be a good thing right..boo :p it’s like i so totally enjoy working at beach and just being at home where everything is so familiar and motivating and less frustrating especially after all that had happened i’m like so scared to go back..ish..macam mana ini..anyone know an alien i can contact to lend me a teleporting device or something? i’d really appreciate it..

there’s something else bothering me as well and i just don’t want to spell it out because i don’t think i should..i just really want to know the hujung pangkal of the situation..i wish i could just bury the hatchet and forever be at peace about it after that..i hate this reccuring pool of emotions that keep on flooding me over the past in the uncertain ever so veiled present..sakit hati u know..i feel so used or something..i’m someone who believes in intuition n it’s sending me signals that right now is really messing me up..i just want to know the surface of it at least, lets just trash it out n get it over with..at least we’d know where we both stand so it wouldn’t be so stupid..it all seems so childish, it’s stupid..i don’t appreciate this bother :p

i feel like something’s a little a miss tonight..it’s keeping me agitated..n worst still, i can’t seem to register my courses for next semester thanks to the jam of people logging in..haish..malasnya….

frustratingnya hidup…hoho..

yeay yeay!!
abangku akan pulang in about 7 hours from now!!
hahaha..
mangsa telah kembali untuk dikacau…hehehehe…

"sometimes
i feel, like i am ripped beyond the wheel, the wheel of positivity, however it
may roll, should i give it a spin? see if i could somehow take the end, cause i
know theres more than one way to do exactly what i need today.."

 yup, i
changed it a bit lah..

sometimes
i really wonder, especially recently, when im being nice to people right, does
it look put-on or like insincere?

is my
obsession to being polite to people exagerated? am i trying too hard or
something but i dont realise it?

curiousnya..

i somehow
recently developed this insanely positive vibe that im unbelievably optimistic
about stuff..

oh, i
still do get pissed at reckless-dumbass-drivers and super rude customers (im
working btw).

but im
handling things better now..less stress lah i feel..haha..im just so cacated
sometimes..

still
entahlah, i have a feeling lah theres something i do or kinda project from my
body language that attracts people to be rude to me..haha..

this is a
conclusion i made after a series of unfortunate events lately :p

n i
really hope that something could be done about this..no matter how optimistic i
am right now, im so gonna go crazy if this coninues k..

u know,
like collectively a percentage of customers at the place i work right now are especially
rude to me, not to my co-worker, not to the dude next door either..dunnolah,
like very weird..why ah, i look retarded ke?..its like they enjoy entering the
shop just to treat me like a dumb dumb :p like especially just now, i
approached the girl in the opposite shop because she moved the mirror n her
stupid spotlight was reflected straight into our shop..i asked nicely k, i went
there all smiling2 and said (still smiling2) "hi, sorry to bother you, but
i was wondering if you could move that mirror just a little bit because the
light is shining straight into our shop", she replied back before i
actually finished my sentence (also smiling but with this unpleasant look in
her face) "sorry, but thats not my problem. u have to ask my boss if u
want to move the mirror"..(btw, it was a face mirror on a bare top display
table) i mean wat type of a reaction is that?..it made me wonder if it had been
my co-worker who went n asked, would she have reacted the same way?..haish..

my face
like bitch ke har??…

so
sad….

i am at a cyber cafe called "infinity" at this late hour..or should i say early?..hehe..silly..its 6.15am now according to the clock on the monitor..n im bored..

u know, i think this place is actually really nice..my house computer chair isnt this comfy..and theyve got flat screen monitors for all the sets they have here k..n they have about approximately 160 sets i think..pretty big huh..its obviously new..the tables arent even scratched very much yet..n this keyboard im typing on, i like..hehe..its actually more for gamers then surfers lah i think..n they charge quite reasonably..but i know, i am soo wasting money just to stay awake k..

im so suppose to be doing work..tp done ready lah, quite a lot of stuff to show..but its all scribbled all over the place..too lazy to write it out on the board nicely ;P

im hungry now…….

owh, n they play good music too..well, for me lah..

ok, to ease my boredom i think im resulting to those simple minded flash games to entertain me…

i cant wait to go home this week..
see u soon soyaya!

i was researching for my subject project where i need a client, a prominent malaysian with a strong self image and his/her family, to build a retreat for when i stumbled upon a site which i now find really interesting..it’s called malaysia-today and offers alternative independant news on whats happening in malaysia lah.

so thing is, there was this article that this guy Liew Chin Tong wrote for Asia Times Online
             (AAB’s long honeymoon over) -should check it out- 
and he talks about our current government from the last elections to how it’s shaping up to be now..so there are people, malaysians mind you, that left their comments on the article and it’s surprising to see how the ‘malaysian web surfers’ react to the information they just received..most of them got so emotional that they starting venting out heatedly about their views on things and basically got to the point where they talked so much cock over things that i dont think they’re really sure of in the first place..but there were some very sensible post-ers that gave very mature feedback to whatever that they read before..only, very few..

the main argument was on whether or not the current gov is fit to be running the country and if there were alternatives to them that were..from the way some of them spoke about race issues, economic stuff, corruption and ideologies and all that mumbo jumbo it’s really sad to think that they are the voting populace of malaysia..

we have so many people who are living in this country constantly waking up feeling so unhappy and doing nothing about it..its stupid really..there was this person who complained about the oil price rise saying that thanks to that she would have to stop her monthly donations to certain bodies as she has no choice anymore (guessing its a she judging from the way the post was written ;p)..she had some very realistic points to why she thinks the gov shouldnt have done so and how some of their arguments were unreasonable, but what i thought was really dumb was that she blamed the rise in the prices for her not being able to donate anymore..really, if she was that passionate about donating, something like the rise in oil prices is not an excuse to stop doing it..get involved in a business or something..start investing or such that can result in you receiving more money for donations..malaysians love to donate!..make some deals with any of the many donating bodies in the country and inform everyone youre selling to that its for charity..u cannot imagine the steady amount of money you will receive monthly to do that donating thing that youre so passionate about..dont tell me because oil prices went up a notch (actually more like 5 notches lah) that its an excuse to stop donating!? RM 1 a month is still donating..whats the big fuss??..and if you think you have no time to start something or think its too difficult then blame YOURSELF!!..dont use the gov as some lame excuse that you cannot donate anymore..its downright LAME ok..

then there was this dude who talked about dogs and masters..its so pathethic really that i just couldnt help but laugh..some people are just so pessimistic that it becomes stupid..

really people, stop blabbering about your frustrations and do something about it..malaysians love to complain but never bother to look for solutions themselves..if you really think you’re that smart and so much more capable then DO SOMETHING ABOUT IT! make something out of yourself..if it matters so much then be somebody in this country..be big enough untill people have no choice but to hear what you have to say and do..if its too hard for you then shut up and dont complain..if youre gonna complain then you very well better do something about it!..if all that is still so difficult then MOVE!..dont be a malaysian if youre so disgusted by it!..and if you think that malaysia is owned by malays you should really be ashamed of yourself!..we ‘malays’ invaded this land that belonged to those orang aslis in the mountains!..we’re almost as bad as those americans who claimed ‘their land’ from the red indians!..so dont be so proud that youre malay dumbass!..earn the right to be proud by making something out of yourself and doing something for the country!..then you want to be proud suka hati you lah!..

people are just so ignorant and senseless sometimes..its irritating.

if youre gonna cast a vote for elections, make the best decision for what you think is right..democracy was created for a reason..and we’re only human anyway, we can only do so much..but from the little ‘much’ that we can do, its still better than opening your big fat mouth and not doing anything about it.